Designing Your Relationships (Instead of Letting Them Happen by Default)

Most relationships just happen by default, and we assume they'll work out. But relationships shape our energy, our happiness, and our growth. If you want to design your relationships intentionally, keep reading.

Most Relationships Are Built by Default

Think of the people in your life:

• Friends who were work colleagues before
• School friends who stay your friends out of habit
• Neighbors you became friends with
• Parents of your kids' schoolmates, teammates, or dance/music moms
• Friends of friends, your partner's friends

We just become friends with the people around us.

This came up with one of my clients recently. She's been with a friend for over 18 years, and they continue the friendship simply because it's always been there. Over time, she's realized this relationship has changed. My client is levelling up who she is as a person, but the friend has stayed in the same place with some negative habits.

You don't have to stay in the same friendships. I also don't think you need to just cut people out because it's not the type of friendship you want. There is an opportunity to design relationships; otherwise, they will stay the same. We never pause to rethink them or design what is ideal for that friendship.

In business relationships, you talk things through about who's going to do what roles. You have roles and responsibilities, KPIs (key performance indicators) on those roles, and everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing.

But in friendships, especially, it's not always clear-cut. Also, in parenting, it's not always clear-cut how you show up as parents, as partners in the marriage, and with your children.

Designing relationships doesn't mean controlling the other person. It doesn't mean that saying how you want things to be means they'll be that way. It's just how can you intentionally choose the right type of relationship and grow and evolve the ones you currently have?

This comes from my coaching work around designing the alliance, designing how the coach and client are going to work together, and we can take that and move that professionally into every area of life.

What Can You Design?

Here are things really in your control:

1. The Type of Connection You Want

Do you want them to be really close to you, or further out? If we look at the circles of closeness and how they are with you: Is it deep or shallow friendship? Is it a best friend, a close friend, or just an acquaintance?